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Never Underestimate the Power of a Role Model

Our family decided to hire a college exchange student from Korea through an au pair agency. I had initially been hesitant, longing for more cultural exchange with Koreans but fearing that I would be judged on my parenting skills, or that someone from another culture might be prejudiced against adoption in some way. Meg herself told us she didn’t want us to get a Korean au pair. (We’ve had two previous au pairs from Brazil, whom Meg loved.) But we thought that having a role model of a young Korean woman would be good for Meg’s self-esteem, so we took … Continue reading →

Combatting Stereotypes in Children, Part One

Our kids are growing up in a global society where they will have to feel comfortable with people of other races and religions. I really recommend the book Hate Hurts: How Children Learn and Unlearn Prejudice and the resources I listed in my blog Resources for Talking about Skin Color. The Public Broadcasting Service website offers the following suggestions from experts who contributed to PBS shows: Be aware of how and when children’s attitudes are formed. Children develop attitudes and identity through their experiences with their bodies and their social environments. Very young children perceive differences in skin color but … Continue reading →

More Musings:

As we were leaving speech therapy last week, we mentioned our plans to have corned beef corned beef for dinner (for St. Patrick’s Day). Meg’s therapist said, “Are you all Irish?” “Sure. Every last one of us.” Except that, like most witty responses, this came to me after the fact. It’s probably a good thing anyway. Emphasizing the difference would have just made her feel different. She’s also getting to the age of being embarrassed in talking about herself and being adopted, although she seems much more ready to talk about being Korean since we had a Korean student stay … Continue reading →

Resources for Learning the History of Other Cultures

When I decided to adopt from Korea, I knew next to nothing about the culture. In what little mention of them there is in books, Korea, Vietnam, Eastern Europe and Southeast Asia are often presented as victim nations, poor and often governed by puppet regimes of other countries. This is not great for self-esteem. (Regarding self-esteem: I’ve always thought some women were too sensitive to non-inclusive language. I’ve always been fine assuming that “all men” included me. But as I get older I see subtle discrimination more than I ever thought I would, and I realize the power of hearing … Continue reading →

Dolls Don’t Always Have to Match

It’s nice for a child to have a doll who is a positive reflection on the child’s own looks. The child will likely think the doll is pretty, and she may transfer that feeling regarding her own looks. However, I do not believe in trying to match the looks of the doll to the looks of the child all the time. When I was a child, my mother bought me a blonde doll and my younger sister a doll with dark hair, to match our own hair. Then my youngest sister was born with brown hair—not as dark as most … Continue reading →

A New Normal

Many parents who adopt transracially deeply feel that looks shouldn’t matter. And in one sense they shouldn’t. But I’ve come to see that looks cause assumptions to be made. Assumptions that my daughter is lost, although she’s standing right next to me. (She’s Korean and I’m fair-skinned.) Assumptions that I’m her babysitter. Assumptions that she doesn’t speak English. Certain aspects of how one looks carry assumptions based on past experiences and emotions. Different people have different assumptions about who feels threatening and who feels comforting. The more we are around something, the more it becomes part of what we define … Continue reading →

Celebrating ALL Cultures

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I just returned from a Culture Day celebrated by local college exchange students and au pairs, together with their host families. We had absolutely amazing food—Thai and Chinese and Korean, Indian, South African, Costa Rican, Chilean, Swedish, German, and a cheesecake with the Canadian Maple Leaf on top. The Thai au pairs and the children they care for demonstrated children’s games from Thailand. Several South African students showed visual aids they had made with pictures of their countries’ wildlife and beaches, and its many official languages! One host family—including the parents– joined their Indian au pair in a “Bollywood” dance—in … Continue reading →

Right Summer Safety Precaution, Wrong Reason. Now What?

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“I’m glad to see you’re remembering to use sunscreen,” I told my daughter. “Oh, yes,” she replied. “I always do because, you know, I don’t really like my skin. It gets really dark in summer.” HELLO? Haven’t we been over this already? (At least I think we have. I know I had a conversation with the four-year-old last year about skin. With this older one maybe the conversations were all about hair and about wanting wallpaper of blonde Barbies and Cinderellas. I can’t remember.) I didn’t know she’d noticed that her skin got darker in the summer. I hadn’t really … Continue reading →

A Family Heritage Presentation to My Daughter’s Second -Grade Class

The week after Meg read her Heritage Report to her second-grade class, our new Korean au pair and I gave a presentation in her second-grade classroom. All families had been invited to share their heritage during the month, and the class had been having a parent come in to do that an average of twice a week. Our principal, who has adult Korean children, had been in earlier that day to show pictures of his family. As in first grade, Meg decided to keep her adoption scrapbook private. (In preschool he had been eager to share it, but it didn’t … Continue reading →

At Last: The Conclusion to the Heritage Report Odyssey!

Hooray! Meg did her Heritage Report on Korea! For those of you wondering what the big deal is, well, maybe it isn’t that big a deal…but I’m hoping her change of subject signals pride in being Korean and willingness to acknowledge her adoption. When I last wrote about this project, Meg said she was doing it on Canada. She began to draw the Canadian flag, but I put off helping her research the rest of the report in the hope she’d change her mind and do Korea. She changed her mind four days before the report was due, but in … Continue reading →